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My friend just got out of a long-term relationship and recently started talking to a new guy. He’s a friend of a friend and supposedly the kind of guy you can trust, the kind of guy who doesn’t run around with a lot of girls. Or so she was told.

After a couple weeks and a couple hook ups, she goes to one of the only bars in our small college town, and runs into the guy. He’s sweet, attentive, and apologizing for not being around the past week – he knew she had just broken up with her boyfriend and didn’t want to jump in too quickly.

Just as things started to seem like he was really interested he flips the switch, starts acting really drunk, and has the audacity to leave her with bartender and an unpaid tab. She is forced to pay his $40 bill. Understandably, she is pissed off and goes to hunt down this guy only to find him ordering more drinks on the other side of the bar on a tab he already closed. The bartenders call him out and ask him to leave so he and my friend go back to his place.

When they get there, she notices Urban Outfitters lip balm sitting on his bed. Has he been hooking up with other people since they started seeing each other? No, he says. It’s actually his lip balm.

“But seriously, do you really think I’m going to believe that this is yours? This is GIRLS lip balm.”

“It’s my mom’s,” he says.

For about 10 minutes their argument continues, my friend in complete disbelief that this slightly-tinted lip balm from the beauty section of Urban Outfitters belongs to this guy. Eventually he throws the lip balm out of the room and says it doesn’t exist. Drop it. There is no lip balm. Confused and upset that he denied this to her face, my friend goes home.

The next day he texts her asking what happened the night before. She gives him a brief overview with all the embarrassing details including the scene in the bedroom, and he tells her that he is sorry he was so drunk and rude. He started drinking that day at 5 pm.

“I haven’t been with anyone since we first hooked up, he tells her. “The lip balm, I’m afraid to say, is really mine. My mom had it and I tried it once and really liked it. I know it’s embarrassing, but that stuff is awesome, and I’m going to keep using it.”

My friend was dumbfounded. I don’t know what’s worse, a guy who hooks up with other girls and lies about it to your face or a guy who uses slightly-tinted lip balm from the beauty section of Urban Outfitters

Tip: Instead of saying “that dress looks good on you”, try saying “the colourof that dress really brings attention to the sparkle in your eyes”. This type of well-thought compliment can really make an impression and help you know how to get the girl.

The best thing you can do to learn how to get the girl is to just be yourself. Be confident in everything you have to offer someone else. Be interesting and she will be interested in you. This may mean you need to take up a new hobby or travel to an exotic place. You want something to talk about. In fact, you want to have enough to talk about that you never find yourself faced with awkward silences. Learning how to talk to girls is a key thing here.

Your soulmate is someone you feel a strong connection with. You get each other and seem to go together like no other. Your soulmate isn’t always romantic – it can also be a strong friendship.

Your Soulmate Does NOT Complete You

I’m not a fan of the idea that your soulmate completes you. You need to be complete and whole all on your own. Otherwise you are looking at a co-dependent relationship where you are too enmeshed in each other’s lives.

Support is one thing, but doing everything for the other person is not possible or healthy.

Your soulmate will help you learn life lessons, support your personal and spiritual growth and encourage you when you need it most. You can grow together, but also as individuals.

You feel stronger together but this is not based on neediness.

When Will I Meet My Soulmate?

Okay, determining the timing can be a little tough. Who can say for sure when you will meet that special guy? But here’s the thing, instead of worrying about the “when”, focus your energy on being READY!

Live your best life now and enjoy what you have. Acknowledge what is going well and feel plenty of gratitude about what is good today. Smile often and share your joy with others. Be loving to attract the kind of soulmate love you want.

Recently on a warm evening, my friend and I were sitting on my front stoop having a glass of wine and chatting. Out of nowhere a dude comes stumbling down the sidewalk and approaches us. He’s a young guy probably a couple years out of college. It was a Friday night and the scene seemed harmless enough, so we stayed put. The conversation went as follows:

Dude: Hi. Hey. What’s going on?

Girl 1: Just hanging out. Where are you coming from?

Dude: A bar… (He looks off and is visibly wasted)

Girl 2: Oh yeah? Well, where are your friends? (Glancing around)

Dude: I don’t know. I lost them. Can I sit with you?

Girl 1: Okay…

Dude: You guys are awesome. It’s so hard to find good girls in the city and meet someone you really connect with. It’s all just hook-ups… What I want is someone I can connect with.

Girls: Oh yeah? (Surprised) well, yes, it really can be hard.

Dude is zoning out and gets distracted. He refocuses on my friend.

Dude: I like you. You’re pretty.

Girl 1: Thanks…

Dude: Can I kiss you? (he stands up to lean drunkenly toward her)

Girls: WHAT!! No!! (we scream)

Dude: Why not? But I like you…

Girl 2: You don’t even know her. Back off!

Dude: Ok. (staring off, sits back down). It’s so hard to meet a good girl here. Everyone just wants to be in a relationship. And I just want to have casual sex!

Girl 2: That’s exactly the opposite of what you said two minutes ago!!

Dude: What?

Girl 2: Two minutes ago you said you were looking for someone you could really connect with, and now you just said all you want is random sex.

Dude: Whatever. I just like you friend. (he looks at her again blurry-eyed) can I kiss you??

Girls: No!! Okay we’re done, we’re going inside now. Bye. Go find your friends.

Dude: Can I come too?

Girls: NO!!! Buddy, get out of here!

Begrudgingly he led himself down the stoop and meandered down the street.

(Just to be clear we felt safe and equipped in the situation, otherwise we would have left right away. This guy was kind of a shrimp and a total mess. That said, if this is how guys try to pick up the ladies, we’re screwed!)

Masturbation is a taboo subject when we discuss sex. Often it is an overlooked form of pleasure for the next two weeks I will explore masturbation.

Currently I am reading “Tickle Your Fancy”. It is opening my eyes to masturbation in a whole new light. I need help learning to accept masturbation as an alternative to sex. I want to learn to embrace my body as a temple. One that I can please myself.

I have always viewed masturbation as unhealthy; in fact it has always conjured up unhealthy feelings of shame, embarrassment, and has always been shrouded in secrecy.

This book is teaching me how healthy masturbation can be. There are three reasons that speak to me personally.

First, it boosts self-esteem because it creates self-confidence. It enables you to overcome personal inhibitions and fulfill your sexual desires. I have been self-conscious of my sexual self. I can never let down my guard and allow things to be pleasurable for both of us. My focal point has always been on him. I always want to get him off in fact I almost didn’t purchase this book because of my strong focus on him. But I knew I needed to learn to focus on myself sexually. I want to feel confident in myself in the bedroom. I know I can please him but then who is pleasing me. A light bulb went off I have to learn to please me before I delve deep into pleasing him.

There also physiological benefits regular orgasms induce a state of peaceful relaxation by releasing your body’s pleasure chemicals, called endorphins, from the brain. Orgasms scare the hell out of me. The loss of control is terrifying. The first time I had one I thought I was having a heart attack. The way my body seized uncontrollably scared me to death. I never wanted it to happen again and have been hell bent on preventing it every since. Crazy right?

Lastly, you can choose to be abstinent. Masturbation provides sexual release without the need for a partner. I feel ashamed alone so I have to involve a partner. When I was young I did not know masturbation was healthy. No one explained to me it was a healthy sexual release ever. I learned that later in life but I always believed real sex involves two people always.

Many things we learn early on remain etched in our memory banks. These things are often resistant to ideal changes. Touching yourself was always weird and I have to reprogram that way of thinking. I hope this journey enables me to see masturbation as both healthy and natural.

Is masturbation healthy? Why or why not? Share your thoughts below.

I was walking by the bus stop and noticed the Trentonian and a picture of a woman with leopard print pants on and braids with a headline that read insult 101. Her attire caught my eye. It truly captured my attention more than the article. I was not sympathetic at all. I am in a stage of growth and change. We need to be more than what we wear. Our clothes are defining how people view us. How can we be taken seriously when we are dressed for the club in an academic or professional atmosphere? Many times I get pulled aside for dressing too sexy. I was pissed how dare they tell me how to dress. It is my prerogative. Or so I thought. I was stagnated sure I wasn’t lacking in the attention department but I was lacking in progress.

I was not going anywhere in my career or life period. My clothes were my downfall and epitomized my failure. So I decided it was time for a serious change. I have updated my wardrobe discarded some sexy items and put club wear in the back of the closet not meant for work. I am covering it up versus letting it all hang out. Using what I had to get what I wanted was getting me nowhere fast.

How can someone take me seriously? When they are distracted by my voluptuous breasts displayed in my low cut top? You do not have to hide your assets but you do not have to advertise them either. I have grown tiresome of being classified a sexy kitten. I am a woman who is both beautiful and intelligent. My intellect was shrouded by my constant need to be sexy. I took being pretty to a whole other level and lost my credibility along the way. In my old job I was a no-nonsense worker. Wore my suits, dresses, and skirts. My work was impeccable and spoke volumes. Yet I had a reputation for dressing too provocatively. Which quieted their perception of me as a professional. I made male co-workers uncomfortable in my presence. I was so ignorant of this I was not aware of this until some years later. I kept wondering why in four years of excellent work I was never in a position of advancement.

So I have adopted a new philosophy my clothes will no longer define who I am. No longer will my look supersede my work ethic. I have a new attitude. I have a shorter do and no patience for failure. Look at my work not me. Anticipate my success not what I am wearing today. I have been picking up signature pieces that are conservative and professional. The gaudy girl is gone that people used to gawk at in the workplace. I will bring sexy back when it is ladies night.

After reading the article I came to this conclusion I do not condone the maintenance man actions or words yet I know our attire sometimes leaves room for interpretation. We need to take our look and persona more seriously for it is a pertinent part of our growth. We should not allow our look to typecast us. Granted we are free to wear what we like yet we have to keep in mind whether or not we want to our look to stagnate or motivate others. Preserve your sexy for the appropriate time.

I have suffered from low self-esteem for way too long. I have allowed it to play as my enabler in many facets of my life. I will focus today on how it has impacted me in my dating life.

They always says don’t look for a man he will find you. I have always believed that the man for me will come to me and be heaven sent. So why has hell been reigning over my dating life. Part of it could be I have played the victim role so much I really believe I have been victimized by love. What a farce! My arduous road to love is a direct correlation to my unwillingness to love myself. Sure I look in the mirror occasionally to check my hair and outfit but I never stand there long enough to peer into the very heart of me. I am broken in so many ways. If I look too long I will point out all my flaws and figuratively tear myself apart.

When I was on hiatus from dating I began to do some serious introspection. I actually began to like me and then like always I found a man to help me get off track and lose sight of me. The woman I was beginning to see. I always immerse myself into a man. It is so easy for me to put him on a pedestal and cater to his every need. Thinking somehow I will convince him I am the one not knowing I am showing him I don’t love myself and unworthy of the title I so desperately want to be bestowed. I will lose my identity in him I won’t write, not even journal I am consumed by the thought of being in love. My day revolves around him and how he feels. What a sad state of affairs it truly is.

Every time I hit rock bottom in love it comes back to the same solution learn to love you. How can someone invest in my stock when I am selling my shares and not investing in the company? No man would invest in me especially when he doesn’t know what’s going on with the company if something is wrong internally, but I know. If I don’t invest, neither would he. I have time and time proven I am an unworthy stock. Now I am saying that for pity, I am saying that because it is true. I cannot gain support for a cause I don’t myself believe in.

So much of who I am is about keeping up appearances and wanting to belong. I want to be accepted it stems from being rejected long ago. I have to deal with my past demons and the entire trauma that I have endured. I have to say I was victimized but I am no longer a victim. Unfortunately, in my case the opposite is true I am a professional victim. Internally, I blame my past for so many things and truth be told I am still living in my past. I am still that insecure girl from all those years ago. I need reassurance that I am beautiful. The men I date see that I am desperate and desiring of their approval and they run with that. In all honesty I cannot blame them for my current state. It is my own fault.

To hell with thinking like a man, time to think like a boss.

We’ve all been there. Sitting alone, upset, rejected, wondering, “what the heck just happened?” That’s where I was at the end of my last relationship. The sad thing was, I knew exactly what had happened, and I knew I could have stopped it.

It had all started nearly a year and a half ago. One Friday night, while I was with a friend at a party, I spotted this gorgeous guy from across the room – 6’2” with beautiful big brown eyes and a smile that was infectious. My friend and I giggled at the thought of talking to him. After a few minutes of her badgering me to “make a move,” I mustered up all the courage I had to talk to him. I shyly started sauntering over, trying desperately to think of some ridiculous excuse to talk to him, and when I got there, all I could think of to say was, “Uh, I like your shoes.” Did I really just say that?! For some reason he found this endearing and smiled. After that, by some miracle, we hit it off.

Soon following that fateful Friday night, we had our first date, and by the end of it, I knew he was perfect for me. Within a week, I had fallen madly in love with him. Within two months, we were planning a future together. It was a bit of a whirlwind romance, but neither of us seemed to mind. We had an amazing relationship; it wasn’t perfect, but we were happy. However, as you know, this story doesn’t have a happy ending.

The trouble began a few months into our relationship. We had seen each other every single day since we had started dating, and by this point, we were extremely comfortable with each other. In fact, it was almost like we were just extensions of each other. I had stopped seeing us as individuals but more as a unit, like those celebrities with combined names, “Brangelina.” We stopped having meaningful conversations, and the topics we spoke about all ended up being the same, “hey, how was your day?” Like I didn’t already know what he had been doing all day. But, we were always together, so that must mean we were still close, right? As it turns out, just being near someone, doesn’t mean you’re actually interacting with them. Nothing had really changed about our relationship, and yet it was completely different. We were still doing the same things, going out to dinner downtown, going to the movies, holding hands, kissing, and yet none of those things held the same meaning anymore. We did all those things out of routine and no longer out of desire to spend meaningful quality time with one another. We even acknowledged this at one point in time, but we didn’t think much of it, after all, we were so close. We couldn’t possibly be falling apart.

One day, while browsing, I stumbled upon a blog by Dr. Lisa Firestone. This blog discussed something called a fantasy bond, which is, in essence, when two people have an illusion of connection but who are no longer truly in love. I knew, right then and there, my boyfriend and I were in a fantasy bond; we were no longer really in love. My world shattered. After this revelation, I did everything in my power to try to get our relationship back on track. We struggled with it for months, we even broke up and got back together in the process, but all that effort was in vain. Our relationship had fallen victim to the fantasy bond, and we only had ourselves to blame. It was over. When we broke up he admitted he just didn’t love me anymore. That hurt, but it didn’t hurt nearly as much as knowing that I played my part in getting to that point. I had unknowingly actively engaged in turning our relationship into a fantasy bond.

Yes, women love flowers. But it’s a gesture that should be kept for the third or fourth date. This way, you know more about her and what she likes. She may be allergic to flowers or have pets/children in the house that might eat the flowers and fall ill. By waiting to give her flowers, you have the opportunity to find out this information.

Ideally, you should only bring flowers when you’re picking her up at her house. This way, she has the ability to put them away as well. Most people don’t consider these issues when they think about making a good first impression. Of course, there are other ways to make a good impression on the first date, but flowers aren’t on the list. The best gift for a first date is something small and inexpensive. It should be something she’s already shown an interest in. This is because it shows you pay attention/care and that you’re not playing games.

How on earth are you supposed to answer these questions?

“When are you going to find someone nice and get married?”

Probably next year, maybe on the last Saturday in April, if my crystal ball is accurate. Related to:

“Why are you still single?”

O.M.G. There just isn’t a good answer for this one although I’ve been tempted to say things like ‘Because I look at other people’s marriages and none of them make me want to tie the knot myself’. What I usually say is ‘How many nice, straight, single 30/40-something guys do YOU know?’

Another one:    

“When are you going to have babies? You’d be such a good mom / you aren’t getting any younger, you know.

Jeeeeeeepers… this one drives me crazy. Just because YOU have kids, doesn’t mean everyone else (a) wants them and (b) can have them. Oh and thanks for pointing out that I’m nearly over the hill.

So many people struggle with fertility these days, that you’d think people wouldn’t be so tactless. And asking this of a single person is even worse… I mean, are we just supposed to go out and get ourselves knocked up, to become single mothers? I have friends who are single who are desperate for children, but don’t have the (emotional and financial) resources to go it alone. This kind of question is like a knife through their hearts.

And as for those of us who prefer to remain child free, well… admit that to these people and you’ll be given a look of horror. How could you not want little snot-nosed, screaming darlings?