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We’ve all been there. Sitting alone, upset, rejected, wondering, “what the heck just happened?” That’s where I was at the end of my last relationship. The sad thing was, I knew exactly what had happened, and I knew I could have stopped it.

It had all started nearly a year and a half ago. One Friday night, while I was with a friend at a party, I spotted this gorgeous guy from across the room – 6’2” with beautiful big brown eyes and a smile that was infectious. My friend and I giggled at the thought of talking to him. After a few minutes of her badgering me to “make a move,” I mustered up all the courage I had to talk to him. I shyly started sauntering over, trying desperately to think of some ridiculous excuse to talk to him, and when I got there, all I could think of to say was, “Uh, I like your shoes.” Did I really just say that?! For some reason he found this endearing and smiled. After that, by some miracle, we hit it off.

Soon following that fateful Friday night, we had our first date, and by the end of it, I knew he was perfect for me. Within a week, I had fallen madly in love with him. Within two months, we were planning a future together. It was a bit of a whirlwind romance, but neither of us seemed to mind. We had an amazing relationship; it wasn’t perfect, but we were happy. However, as you know, this story doesn’t have a happy ending.

The trouble began a few months into our relationship. We had seen each other every single day since we had started dating, and by this point, we were extremely comfortable with each other. In fact, it was almost like we were just extensions of each other. I had stopped seeing us as individuals but more as a unit, like those celebrities with combined names, “Brangelina.” We stopped having meaningful conversations, and the topics we spoke about all ended up being the same, “hey, how was your day?” Like I didn’t already know what he had been doing all day. But, we were always together, so that must mean we were still close, right? As it turns out, just being near someone, doesn’t mean you’re actually interacting with them. Nothing had really changed about our relationship, and yet it was completely different. We were still doing the same things, going out to dinner downtown, going to the movies, holding hands, kissing, and yet none of those things held the same meaning anymore. We did all those things out of routine and no longer out of desire to spend meaningful quality time with one another. We even acknowledged this at one point in time, but we didn’t think much of it, after all, we were so close. We couldn’t possibly be falling apart.

One day, while browsing, I stumbled upon a blog by Dr. Lisa Firestone. This blog discussed something called a fantasy bond, which is, in essence, when two people have an illusion of connection but who are no longer truly in love. I knew, right then and there, my boyfriend and I were in a fantasy bond; we were no longer really in love. My world shattered. After this revelation, I did everything in my power to try to get our relationship back on track. We struggled with it for months, we even broke up and got back together in the process, but all that effort was in vain. Our relationship had fallen victim to the fantasy bond, and we only had ourselves to blame. It was over. When we broke up he admitted he just didn’t love me anymore. That hurt, but it didn’t hurt nearly as much as knowing that I played my part in getting to that point. I had unknowingly actively engaged in turning our relationship into a fantasy bond.

It has been a few months now since our break up, and I’m finally getting back on my feet. I have hope that one day I’ll find someone I can have a healthy relationship with, because now, I know how to keep my next relationship from turning into a fantasy bond.

Sex with a new guy you’ve just started dating can be a bit of a slippery slope. There’s usually a fear that women face, the fear of potentially losing our power once laying bare with him. Will he call again? Will instant messages with him remain the same or will you start double texting, only to be met with a 5 hour delayed response of, “Oh sorry, I’ve only just seen this.

There will always be clear signs that a man only wants to be involved with you for sexual pleasure, this can be by the way he speaks to you and EXACTLY by what he does.

Is he always dropping sexual innuendos? Is he constantly asking to see nude photos/videos? Does he ask who you live with early on, when it had absolutely nothing to do with the conversation? Is HE sending YOU nude photos of himself on Snapchat? Or slipping in inappropriate comments half the time you speak? Does he pop up every 3 months to ask if you’re still with your boyfriend?

Everything I’ve just listed are clear indicators that he’s trying to fuck you, he might eventually like you, but at this present time, he’s trying to hit.

Then, there are the ones who don’t make it their mission to be so overt with what they’re after. You’ll be taken out on dates, spoilt and develop a great foundation of friendship, yet the only aim he has, is to try and have sex with you.

Most women make the mistake of assuming that sex means they get to live happily ever after with this man, or that it’d bring them closer.

It’s not true. Not even if you’re a virgin.

Having sex with someone will never guarantee you as a permanent person in their life romantically, well, unless you’re after a situationship. That’s why it’s important to remember to only have sex for yourself, not because you believe it’ll keep him, not because your friends suggested you should, but because you want to.

I remember when I once slept with a guy I was dating. I always knew that at the back of my mind I wanted to be intimate with him eventually, regardless of where it went with us and that I’d be perfectly fine if things didn’t work out. Would I have preferred if it did? Perhaps. But I did it because I felt a sexual attraction. I couldn’t force something which wasn’t there for the sake of sex. I would have been cheating myself and wasting my own time.

It’s also important to highlight that if you’re a person who can only have sex with someone you’d like to be in a committed relationship with, then explain this to the person you’re dating. It still won’t guarantee anything, but if you’re dating a decent human being, it gives them the opportunity to be transparent with you, but don’t be fooled, because some men will ask to exclusively date you just so they can sleep with you.

Sex can change the narrative of a relationship, but that’s why it’s vital to not rush the sexual side till you’re 100% comfortable on how it could possibly turn out. If you feel like there is a connection, sometimes you might have to withhold sex just to be sure. Yes, I said, withhold sex.

This doesn’t mean that sleeping with a guy during the third month will keep him interested, but instead it allows you to find out what his game really is.

This isn’t to say that men who are relationship oriented don’t exist, they do, but it’s not as common to hear men say they can only get into bed with a woman they’re in a commitment with.

The world of love is a scary one. Whether you’re looking for it or broken by it, we all need some advice and guidance once in awhile. Unfortunately, our friends aren’t always enough. They’re about as clueless as you and sometimes, it doesn’t hurt to look elsewhere.

Love is a game and there’s rules and strategies to it. The best way to increase your chances is to consult the experts and find out exactly how to get the most of what’s out there. Whether it’s how to navigate a first date, decipher cryptic text messages or understand what he’s really thinking, there’s a number of sites with the answers to your questions. Whether it’s men telling you exactly how men think, or women advising you on how to stay positive