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Masturbation is a taboo subject when we discuss sex. Often it is an overlooked form of pleasure for the next two weeks I will explore masturbation.

Currently I am reading “Tickle Your Fancy”. It is opening my eyes to masturbation in a whole new light. I need help learning to accept masturbation as an alternative to sex. I want to learn to embrace my body as a temple. One that I can please myself.

I have always viewed masturbation as unhealthy; in fact it has always conjured up unhealthy feelings of shame, embarrassment, and has always been shrouded in secrecy.

This book is teaching me how healthy masturbation can be. There are three reasons that speak to me personally.

First, it boosts self-esteem because it creates self-confidence. It enables you to overcome personal inhibitions and fulfill your sexual desires. I have been self-conscious of my sexual self. I can never let down my guard and allow things to be pleasurable for both of us. My focal point has always been on him. I always want to get him off in fact I almost didn’t purchase this book because of my strong focus on him. But I knew I needed to learn to focus on myself sexually. I want to feel confident in myself in the bedroom. I know I can please him but then who is pleasing me. A light bulb went off I have to learn to please me before I delve deep into pleasing him.

There also physiological benefits regular orgasms induce a state of peaceful relaxation by releasing your body’s pleasure chemicals, called endorphins, from the brain. Orgasms scare the hell out of me. The loss of control is terrifying. The first time I had one I thought I was having a heart attack. The way my body seized uncontrollably scared me to death. I never wanted it to happen again and have been hell bent on preventing it every since. Crazy right?

Lastly, you can choose to be abstinent. Masturbation provides sexual release without the need for a partner. I feel ashamed alone so I have to involve a partner. When I was young I did not know masturbation was healthy. No one explained to me it was a healthy sexual release ever. I learned that later in life but I always believed real sex involves two people always.

Many things we learn early on remain etched in our memory banks. These things are often resistant to ideal changes. Touching yourself was always weird and I have to reprogram that way of thinking. I hope this journey enables me to see masturbation as both healthy and natural.

Is masturbation healthy? Why or why not? Share your thoughts below.

I was walking by the bus stop and noticed the Trentonian and a picture of a woman with leopard print pants on and braids with a headline that read insult 101. Her attire caught my eye. It truly captured my attention more than the article. I was not sympathetic at all. I am in a stage of growth and change. We need to be more than what we wear. Our clothes are defining how people view us. How can we be taken seriously when we are dressed for the club in an academic or professional atmosphere? Many times I get pulled aside for dressing too sexy. I was pissed how dare they tell me how to dress. It is my prerogative. Or so I thought. I was stagnated sure I wasn’t lacking in the attention department but I was lacking in progress.

I was not going anywhere in my career or life period. My clothes were my downfall and epitomized my failure. So I decided it was time for a serious change. I have updated my wardrobe discarded some sexy items and put club wear in the back of the closet not meant for work. I am covering it up versus letting it all hang out. Using what I had to get what I wanted was getting me nowhere fast.

How can someone take me seriously? When they are distracted by my voluptuous breasts displayed in my low cut top? You do not have to hide your assets but you do not have to advertise them either. I have grown tiresome of being classified a sexy kitten. I am a woman who is both beautiful and intelligent. My intellect was shrouded by my constant need to be sexy. I took being pretty to a whole other level and lost my credibility along the way. In my old job I was a no-nonsense worker. Wore my suits, dresses, and skirts. My work was impeccable and spoke volumes. Yet I had a reputation for dressing too provocatively. Which quieted their perception of me as a professional. I made male co-workers uncomfortable in my presence. I was so ignorant of this I was not aware of this until some years later. I kept wondering why in four years of excellent work I was never in a position of advancement.

So I have adopted a new philosophy my clothes will no longer define who I am. No longer will my look supersede my work ethic. I have a new attitude. I have a shorter do and no patience for failure. Look at my work not me. Anticipate my success not what I am wearing today. I have been picking up signature pieces that are conservative and professional. The gaudy girl is gone that people used to gawk at in the workplace. I will bring sexy back when it is ladies night.

After reading the article I came to this conclusion I do not condone the maintenance man actions or words yet I know our attire sometimes leaves room for interpretation. We need to take our look and persona more seriously for it is a pertinent part of our growth. We should not allow our look to typecast us. Granted we are free to wear what we like yet we have to keep in mind whether or not we want to our look to stagnate or motivate others. Preserve your sexy for the appropriate time.

Being away with you give me so much pain in my heart. I only hope that our love will keep us close to each other. I wish one day the distance between us won't be there anymore, and that would be the day i'll be in your arms forever. I love you my hubby with every meaning of it. I missed you so much that I wanted to be with you every seconds of each minute... I can't stop thinking about you in my mind just like how I wanted you to be in my life...

I love you so much Hubby... I love you and will always love you...

I have suffered from low self-esteem for way too long. I have allowed it to play as my enabler in many facets of my life. I will focus today on how it has impacted me in my dating life.

They always says don’t look for a man he will find you. I have always believed that the man for me will come to me and be heaven sent. So why has hell been reigning over my dating life. Part of it could be I have played the victim role so much I really believe I have been victimized by love. What a farce! My arduous road to love is a direct correlation to my unwillingness to love myself. Sure I look in the mirror occasionally to check my hair and outfit but I never stand there long enough to peer into the very heart of me. I am broken in so many ways. If I look too long I will point out all my flaws and figuratively tear myself apart.

When I was on hiatus from dating I began to do some serious introspection. I actually began to like me and then like always I found a man to help me get off track and lose sight of me. The woman I was beginning to see. I always immerse myself into a man. It is so easy for me to put him on a pedestal and cater to his every need. Thinking somehow I will convince him I am the one not knowing I am showing him I don’t love myself and unworthy of the title I so desperately want to be bestowed. I will lose my identity in him I won’t write, not even journal I am consumed by the thought of being in love. My day revolves around him and how he feels. What a sad state of affairs it truly is.

Every time I hit rock bottom in love it comes back to the same solution learn to love you. How can someone invest in my stock when I am selling my shares and not investing in the company? No man would invest in me especially when he doesn’t know what’s going on with the company if something is wrong internally, but I know. If I don’t invest, neither would he. I have time and time proven I am an unworthy stock. Now I am saying that for pity, I am saying that because it is true. I cannot gain support for a cause I don’t myself believe in.

So much of who I am is about keeping up appearances and wanting to belong. I want to be accepted it stems from being rejected long ago. I have to deal with my past demons and the entire trauma that I have endured. I have to say I was victimized but I am no longer a victim. Unfortunately, in my case the opposite is true I am a professional victim. Internally, I blame my past for so many things and truth be told I am still living in my past. I am still that insecure girl from all those years ago. I need reassurance that I am beautiful. The men I date see that I am desperate and desiring of their approval and they run with that. In all honesty I cannot blame them for my current state. It is my own fault.

To hell with thinking like a man, time to think like a boss.

We’ve all been there. Sitting alone, upset, rejected, wondering, “what the heck just happened?” That’s where I was at the end of my last relationship. The sad thing was, I knew exactly what had happened, and I knew I could have stopped it.

It had all started nearly a year and a half ago. One Friday night, while I was with a friend at a party, I spotted this gorgeous guy from across the room – 6’2” with beautiful big brown eyes and a smile that was infectious. My friend and I giggled at the thought of talking to him. After a few minutes of her badgering me to “make a move,” I mustered up all the courage I had to talk to him. I shyly started sauntering over, trying desperately to think of some ridiculous excuse to talk to him, and when I got there, all I could think of to say was, “Uh, I like your shoes.” Did I really just say that?! For some reason he found this endearing and smiled. After that, by some miracle, we hit it off.

Soon following that fateful Friday night, we had our first date, and by the end of it, I knew he was perfect for me. Within a week, I had fallen madly in love with him. Within two months, we were planning a future together. It was a bit of a whirlwind romance, but neither of us seemed to mind. We had an amazing relationship; it wasn’t perfect, but we were happy. However, as you know, this story doesn’t have a happy ending.

The trouble began a few months into our relationship. We had seen each other every single day since we had started dating, and by this point, we were extremely comfortable with each other. In fact, it was almost like we were just extensions of each other. I had stopped seeing us as individuals but more as a unit, like those celebrities with combined names, “Brangelina.” We stopped having meaningful conversations, and the topics we spoke about all ended up being the same, “hey, how was your day?” Like I didn’t already know what he had been doing all day. But, we were always together, so that must mean we were still close, right? As it turns out, just being near someone, doesn’t mean you’re actually interacting with them. Nothing had really changed about our relationship, and yet it was completely different. We were still doing the same things, going out to dinner downtown, going to the movies, holding hands, kissing, and yet none of those things held the same meaning anymore. We did all those things out of routine and no longer out of desire to spend meaningful quality time with one another. We even acknowledged this at one point in time, but we didn’t think much of it, after all, we were so close. We couldn’t possibly be falling apart.

One day, while browsing, I stumbled upon a blog by Dr. Lisa Firestone. This blog discussed something called a fantasy bond, which is, in essence, when two people have an illusion of connection but who are no longer truly in love. I knew, right then and there, my boyfriend and I were in a fantasy bond; we were no longer really in love. My world shattered. After this revelation, I did everything in my power to try to get our relationship back on track. We struggled with it for months, we even broke up and got back together in the process, but all that effort was in vain. Our relationship had fallen victim to the fantasy bond, and we only had ourselves to blame. It was over. When we broke up he admitted he just didn’t love me anymore. That hurt, but it didn’t hurt nearly as much as knowing that I played my part in getting to that point. I had unknowingly actively engaged in turning our relationship into a fantasy bond.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about giving up dating, and more – giving up on the idea that there is someone out there for me.

I’m 27, and  the thing I wanted most in the world was to fall in love — the stay-up-talking-about-everything-and-anything, close-down-the-bar, always-know-you’re-in-my-corner kind of love, but it just hasn’t ever happened.

I’ve had relationships. I was married for three years to a good person who tried very hard to be a good husband. He was loyal, honest, dependable, and funny. I loved him in large part because I felt like he was the kind of guy I should marry. And I bent over backward to be the good wife. I made elaborate dinners and sewed curtains and kept track of appointment. And I followed his career at the expense of my own in a tough cross-country move. But in the end, the nagging feeling that he just didn’t get me, didn’t understand or appreciate my needs, blew up when I finally realized how suffocated I felt by a role that just wasn’t right for me. I couldn’t bring myself to have kids in a marriage where doing so would obliterate any chance I had to build something for myself.

I’ve been divorced for two years, I’ve been single ever since. one year ago, I had a baby on my own. Before my daughter was born, I had this feeling of being untethered, as if I could float away and it wouldn’t really make that much of a difference to anyone. Now I feel that my love for my daughter grounds me and gives a center to my life. She's amazing and it was the right choice for me.

At the same time, I’m still me. And the longing for a companion, someone to talk to and share jokes with and be in my corner and get me, has not gone away. Plus, I miss sex and physical affection a lot. About two months ago, I decided I was ready to start dating again. But I don’t think I was really prepared . Ghosting after a few dating sites, I joined DominoDate . There was one guy a few weeks ago that I liked a lot and had three dates with, but then he told me I was great but it wasn’t what he was looking for.

Yes, women love flowers. But it’s a gesture that should be kept for the third or fourth date. This way, you know more about her and what she likes. She may be allergic to flowers or have pets/children in the house that might eat the flowers and fall ill. By waiting to give her flowers, you have the opportunity to find out this information.

Ideally, you should only bring flowers when you’re picking her up at her house. This way, she has the ability to put them away as well. Most people don’t consider these issues when they think about making a good first impression. Of course, there are other ways to make a good impression on the first date, but flowers aren’t on the list. The best gift for a first date is something small and inexpensive. It should be something she’s already shown an interest in. This is because it shows you pay attention/care and that you’re not playing games.

How on earth are you supposed to answer these questions?

“When are you going to find someone nice and get married?”

Probably next year, maybe on the last Saturday in April, if my crystal ball is accurate. Related to:

“Why are you still single?”

O.M.G. There just isn’t a good answer for this one although I’ve been tempted to say things like ‘Because I look at other people’s marriages and none of them make me want to tie the knot myself’. What I usually say is ‘How many nice, straight, single 30/40-something guys do YOU know?’

Another one:    

“When are you going to have babies? You’d be such a good mom / you aren’t getting any younger, you know.

Jeeeeeeepers… this one drives me crazy. Just because YOU have kids, doesn’t mean everyone else (a) wants them and (b) can have them. Oh and thanks for pointing out that I’m nearly over the hill.

So many people struggle with fertility these days, that you’d think people wouldn’t be so tactless. And asking this of a single person is even worse… I mean, are we just supposed to go out and get ourselves knocked up, to become single mothers? I have friends who are single who are desperate for children, but don’t have the (emotional and financial) resources to go it alone. This kind of question is like a knife through their hearts.

And as for those of us who prefer to remain child free, well… admit that to these people and you’ll be given a look of horror. How could you not want little snot-nosed, screaming darlings?

My friend has been dating a new guy for a month and it was going well. He’s emotionally mature, good looking, financially stable, fun and treats her well. They had two activities planned for the weekend near his home, an hour away from her.

He invited her to stay overnight so she didn’t have to drive back and forth. His guest room was offered as an option so she said yes.

As they hung out the first day, the conversation drifted toward sex. Then he made this disclosure.

He had herpes.

My friend had never been with anyone with herpes so didn’t know how to react. She asked him questions. How frequent were his outbreaks? Would he always wear a condom? (Yes.) She realized she didn’t know enough to ask more questions. She told him she wasn’t ready to have sex with him and would have to learn more about the disease. They had a great sex-free weekend.

When she shared this conversation, I sent her to the Centers For Disease Control site. I also suggested she discuss it with her doctor as I was certainly no expert.

Her challenge is what to do next. She will educate herself, of course, and discuss the issue with him. One report I said said that the majority of non-infected partners get herpes even when using protection. That’s not a path she wants to go down. She hates to give up a great guy, but she also doesn’t want to be infected. And she doesn’t want a sexless relationship.

Have you been in a relationship with someone with herpes? How did you decide to keep seeing him — or not — if he was a great guy? What advice would you give someone in my friend’s situation?

Good hot cocoa and good sex can both be delicious and satisfying. When each is good, it puts a smile on your face. You feel warm and happy afterwards. You often want more. When shared with someone you care about, they are fun and a great way to spend some time and you don’t say no when either is proposed.

However, hot cocoa without sugar is unsatisfying. In fact, it’s bitter and unpleasant.

So is sex without trust and an emotional connection — at least for most midlife women. This is the key component — the sugar — that makes it delightful.

Yes, there are women who can frolic without the need for any emotional bond. However, nearly all the midlife women I’ve talked to say they need that for satisfying sex.

So when a new guy said he was sexually attracted to me, I thanked him for the compliment. (Even though I know it doesn’t take much for some men to be sexually attracted to lots of women.) I said I found him attractive, too, but it took more than physical attraction for me to want sex with a man.

After we parted, I came up with the metaphor. It might have helped that I’d had hot cocoa with this man. I wished I’d come up with it when we were together as I think it would have explained my perspective.

What do you feel is the critical ingredient for satisfying sex?